Well here it is summer is halfway over and school starts next month already. It has gone by so quick and life goes by faster everyday. Mom always said that the older you get the faster it goes, guess I should have listened, she was right!
So far this summer we have enjoyed going to Alex, Caitie, and Phillips baseball, softball, and t-ball games. They all did pretty good since it was their first season, as a mom I am very proud of my little athletes. Dad really enjoyed being there for every single game, since he did not have any athletic kids himself. In all honesty I am glad the season is done and we are back to the lazy days of summer.
We also added another addition to our little family at the beginning of the summer, our new black lab Molly. It is so much fun to see Soco (our boxer) and Molly running and playing, Phillip really gets a kick out of it.
Joe and I are doing great, working and building our future together. We are waiting for our most special part of the summer, The Lexi Lou Visit, we both can't wait until she gets here, hopefully in time for the fair. I thinks she would have a ball riding all the rides and seeing all the animals. We already have so much planned for her, thank God my mom left her cotton candy and icee machines, I am sure she will enjoy them allot.
In all I can honestly say things are getting better and we are no longer looking back to the past but only forward. We have so many dreams, just wish we weren't missing certain people from it, god bless them. I would have to say that is the only difficulty we do face is missing my mother and Joe's sister Karen, but we know they are still here with us.
So either way Icee, cotton candy, kid filled future here we come.
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
A New Year!
So it is 2008, how time has flown, the holidays went by like a blur. I think all I remember is presents, food, kids and the rest of the family. It just wasn't the same without mom but it was ok.
It is February now, almost Valentines day, time really is flying, I helped Caitie the other day to fill out her cards for her Valentine's day party and we are making chocolates tomorrow to give to her teacher. Nothing says you are special more then something made by hand.
I have been trying to finish projects that mom started before she passed but there are so many I think sometimes I just need a nap thinking about it, but I am bound and determined to finish them. I spent time painting the other day and finished a door hanger in time for Valentines day, still working on embroidering projects and crocheting, that is when I am not playing World of Warcraft the most addicting game EVER.
All I know is I am ready for spring, ready to plant flowers and start plotting out the garden. We have decided to keep it small this year, only tomatoes, cucumbers, zucchini, and green beans. The best part will be NO MORE SNOW, I think I am done with winter and the aches and pains, I want to see life around me again and smell the sweetness in the air. The best part of the months to come is spring cleaning and a Huge garage sale we have planned, so much to get rid of, granted just so we can buy more things but it will be so worth all the work.
As I said in the last blog Caitie would be staying behind with me, I was so happy but did not realize the extent of the work ahead of me. She is doing better in school here then she was there and her attitude is improving more and more everyday with the help and guidance of Joe and the rest of my family. I am just so happy she is here and soon the boys will be coming to live with mommy permanently also, they are just not happy living with daddy, I always knew they were mommies babies. I just can't wait until my home is completely buzzing with the sounds of my children again. I still have to think though that my mother somewhere up there has to have something to do with it all, Thank you Momma.
In other news Joe and I are great, things are slowly looking up on both our ends, still a few potholes we haven't been able to dodge but I think honestly that things are going to get better. I made our favorite meal for dinner tonight also, I think I made Joe's night you know it is good and hits the spot when they can't even speak and all you hear is is mmmmmmm, good old corn beef and cabbage. I know a month too early but we just couldn't wait.
As for New Year's resolutions I really haven't made any except for try to be more organized and end the year with my sanity intact.
Well yet again time for rest Caitie will be getting up in 3 hours ready for the day and a bowl of cream of wheat ( per her request). And I myself a day of cleaning, phone calls, and wow until she gets home.
P.S. I wonder if corned beef and cabbage two days in a row is too much mmmmm, lol.
It is February now, almost Valentines day, time really is flying, I helped Caitie the other day to fill out her cards for her Valentine's day party and we are making chocolates tomorrow to give to her teacher. Nothing says you are special more then something made by hand.
I have been trying to finish projects that mom started before she passed but there are so many I think sometimes I just need a nap thinking about it, but I am bound and determined to finish them. I spent time painting the other day and finished a door hanger in time for Valentines day, still working on embroidering projects and crocheting, that is when I am not playing World of Warcraft the most addicting game EVER.
All I know is I am ready for spring, ready to plant flowers and start plotting out the garden. We have decided to keep it small this year, only tomatoes, cucumbers, zucchini, and green beans. The best part will be NO MORE SNOW, I think I am done with winter and the aches and pains, I want to see life around me again and smell the sweetness in the air. The best part of the months to come is spring cleaning and a Huge garage sale we have planned, so much to get rid of, granted just so we can buy more things but it will be so worth all the work.
As I said in the last blog Caitie would be staying behind with me, I was so happy but did not realize the extent of the work ahead of me. She is doing better in school here then she was there and her attitude is improving more and more everyday with the help and guidance of Joe and the rest of my family. I am just so happy she is here and soon the boys will be coming to live with mommy permanently also, they are just not happy living with daddy, I always knew they were mommies babies. I just can't wait until my home is completely buzzing with the sounds of my children again. I still have to think though that my mother somewhere up there has to have something to do with it all, Thank you Momma.
In other news Joe and I are great, things are slowly looking up on both our ends, still a few potholes we haven't been able to dodge but I think honestly that things are going to get better. I made our favorite meal for dinner tonight also, I think I made Joe's night you know it is good and hits the spot when they can't even speak and all you hear is is mmmmmmm, good old corn beef and cabbage. I know a month too early but we just couldn't wait.
As for New Year's resolutions I really haven't made any except for try to be more organized and end the year with my sanity intact.
Well yet again time for rest Caitie will be getting up in 3 hours ready for the day and a bowl of cream of wheat ( per her request). And I myself a day of cleaning, phone calls, and wow until she gets home.
P.S. I wonder if corned beef and cabbage two days in a row is too much mmmmm, lol.
Sunday, December 2, 2007
Learning to Live Again!
So very much has happened since I last blogged, where to begin? Well lets start from the beginning in August the kids went to live with their daddy and I haven't seen them since August 18th, I miss them dearly. It has been a completely different life without them, a major change from being the 24 hour mom to nothing but me, but somehow I have gotten through it and learned to cope.
Then we went from one tragedy with the kids to the most horrible thing I think has ever happened in my entire life, granted don't get me wrong loosing Grandma and Grandpa was hard but this was horrific. I took mom into the hospital for an MRI and decided since she was having trouble breathing that maybe we should go to the emergency room. While there they decided she needed to be admitted and watched, things were ok that night and we talked for an hour about what we were going to do when she got home and that it was nothing things would be ok. Then the next day came the call "She has taken a turn for the worse get up here now" so we flew 90-100mph to get there and she was already hooked to a breathing machine things progressively got worse and we lost the Rock and the Glue of our family on September 21st 2007. It was so hard to believe that after fighting cancer for 2 years that we in the end lost her to an infection. So I did the hardest thing I have ever done and laid my mother and my very best friend to rest.
Now there are a few things I must say about my mother, she was not your ordinary mother, my mother was literally Susy B Homemaker, the mother that did it all and made you wonder how someone could have so much talent and ability. She was the awesome mother that introduced me to the Doors, taught me how to cook, sew, paint, draw, garden, crochet, quilt,and the list goes on there was nothing my mother couldn't do. She drove me up and down Main St. on Friday nights when I felt left out by peers, went to teh club when I needed company, talked for hours and hours on the phone when I moved away to the point she added an 800 number for us to talk, lol. I am lost without her but I know she gave me the tools I need to survive and get through anything. Not only was she the best mother but the best Grandma too, she helped raise teh kids, made them shaved ice in the summer, took them swimming and to the park, taught them the things she taught me, all in all she was the most outstanding and awesome mother anyone could ask for.
So now we are putting life back together slowly, peice by piece day by day, but with the holidays here it is even harder, she did so much during this time of the year. I am trying my hardest but find myself so emotional at times I have to pull away and stop, breath and start again. I know I have to have things together for the kdis who are returning for the holidays, it is going to be hard for them since they did not get to return to say goodbye to Grandma. The kids are having such a hard time adjusting too, Caitie is falling apart and will be staying behind with me after Christmas, we agree that she needs her mama, hopefully one by one the kids will be home again. The ex, his new wife and I are finally working together and getting along which helps tremendously to get through all this.
Dad is doing ok, he has his times as we all do but I think he has it the hardest, after loving someone for over 25 years how do you continue to go on without them. Andrew is struggling at times to he is only 19 doesn't have any kids and mom is not here to help him, to see him get married, to she his kids to see him achieve great things, I just hope that I can be there in some way to ease his pain at those times. Like I tell everyone I don't think about tomorrow, next week, next month, or next year. I take it day by day, I deal with today if tomorrow comes I will deal with it then. All I can do is live.
Then we went from one tragedy with the kids to the most horrible thing I think has ever happened in my entire life, granted don't get me wrong loosing Grandma and Grandpa was hard but this was horrific. I took mom into the hospital for an MRI and decided since she was having trouble breathing that maybe we should go to the emergency room. While there they decided she needed to be admitted and watched, things were ok that night and we talked for an hour about what we were going to do when she got home and that it was nothing things would be ok. Then the next day came the call "She has taken a turn for the worse get up here now" so we flew 90-100mph to get there and she was already hooked to a breathing machine things progressively got worse and we lost the Rock and the Glue of our family on September 21st 2007. It was so hard to believe that after fighting cancer for 2 years that we in the end lost her to an infection. So I did the hardest thing I have ever done and laid my mother and my very best friend to rest.
Now there are a few things I must say about my mother, she was not your ordinary mother, my mother was literally Susy B Homemaker, the mother that did it all and made you wonder how someone could have so much talent and ability. She was the awesome mother that introduced me to the Doors, taught me how to cook, sew, paint, draw, garden, crochet, quilt,and the list goes on there was nothing my mother couldn't do. She drove me up and down Main St. on Friday nights when I felt left out by peers, went to teh club when I needed company, talked for hours and hours on the phone when I moved away to the point she added an 800 number for us to talk, lol. I am lost without her but I know she gave me the tools I need to survive and get through anything. Not only was she the best mother but the best Grandma too, she helped raise teh kids, made them shaved ice in the summer, took them swimming and to the park, taught them the things she taught me, all in all she was the most outstanding and awesome mother anyone could ask for.
So now we are putting life back together slowly, peice by piece day by day, but with the holidays here it is even harder, she did so much during this time of the year. I am trying my hardest but find myself so emotional at times I have to pull away and stop, breath and start again. I know I have to have things together for the kdis who are returning for the holidays, it is going to be hard for them since they did not get to return to say goodbye to Grandma. The kids are having such a hard time adjusting too, Caitie is falling apart and will be staying behind with me after Christmas, we agree that she needs her mama, hopefully one by one the kids will be home again. The ex, his new wife and I are finally working together and getting along which helps tremendously to get through all this.
Dad is doing ok, he has his times as we all do but I think he has it the hardest, after loving someone for over 25 years how do you continue to go on without them. Andrew is struggling at times to he is only 19 doesn't have any kids and mom is not here to help him, to see him get married, to she his kids to see him achieve great things, I just hope that I can be there in some way to ease his pain at those times. Like I tell everyone I don't think about tomorrow, next week, next month, or next year. I take it day by day, I deal with today if tomorrow comes I will deal with it then. All I can do is live.
Thursday, August 2, 2007
Insanity
I sit here awake at 3 in the morning thinking about my life, the house is asleep and extremely quiet, except for the occasional snore. Who would have thought things would change so much from the innocent days of childhood, that a little girl would grow into a woman with so much drama.
I started a new job today, the first step of many towards becoming a nurse practitioner, little by little I will do what it takes, no one believes me right now that this is what I want but I have made allot of mistakes in the past and tend to talk allot and never back it up. This time though I feel a calling to help those that cannot help themselves and as my grandpa said "Pick a profession that people will always need" I don't think people are going to stop getting sick or injured anytime soon.
On another topic My Children, each day is a struggle finally being free from abuse myself now the battle is getting them free. The judge gave him custody, only because he has a secure job "Duh he is a Marine always need someone to do that job" and he has a more secure relationship, why because he is married and I am not. Well the truth is I am not jumping into anything, the kids have been through enough and I am thinking about them it is not about me anymore. I am with someone wonderful but am taking it slow for the kids sake, granted they love him and would love mom to be married tomorrow but I myself am not ready to take that step, using my head this time not my insecurities or my heart.
Mom is still fighting her own battle and we pray for her everyday, my problems are the last thing she needs right now with all the things she is already handling. I worry about her everyday but I know that my mother is a fighter, always has been and always will be. We come from a long line of strong women, I just hope that I pass those traits on to my daughter also.
Speaking of the past, I have also been hearing words that have been said to me years ago it is as if Grandpa and Grandma are standing right over my shoulder guiding me and giving me the strength I need to get through this all. I know that someday things will workout but have an overwhelming feeling that is going to take some time and extremely hard work to achieve that which needs to be done.
No matter how hard life gets though I have to remember one of my favorite quotes "Where there is breath, there is hope" and guess what I am still breathing so I will never loose hope that is one thing no one can take away from me that and my faith in God and the belief that he knows what is best for me.
So now that some things are off my chest I think it is time for sleep, sweet dreams and goodnight!
I started a new job today, the first step of many towards becoming a nurse practitioner, little by little I will do what it takes, no one believes me right now that this is what I want but I have made allot of mistakes in the past and tend to talk allot and never back it up. This time though I feel a calling to help those that cannot help themselves and as my grandpa said "Pick a profession that people will always need" I don't think people are going to stop getting sick or injured anytime soon.
On another topic My Children, each day is a struggle finally being free from abuse myself now the battle is getting them free. The judge gave him custody, only because he has a secure job "Duh he is a Marine always need someone to do that job" and he has a more secure relationship, why because he is married and I am not. Well the truth is I am not jumping into anything, the kids have been through enough and I am thinking about them it is not about me anymore. I am with someone wonderful but am taking it slow for the kids sake, granted they love him and would love mom to be married tomorrow but I myself am not ready to take that step, using my head this time not my insecurities or my heart.
Mom is still fighting her own battle and we pray for her everyday, my problems are the last thing she needs right now with all the things she is already handling. I worry about her everyday but I know that my mother is a fighter, always has been and always will be. We come from a long line of strong women, I just hope that I pass those traits on to my daughter also.
Speaking of the past, I have also been hearing words that have been said to me years ago it is as if Grandpa and Grandma are standing right over my shoulder guiding me and giving me the strength I need to get through this all. I know that someday things will workout but have an overwhelming feeling that is going to take some time and extremely hard work to achieve that which needs to be done.
No matter how hard life gets though I have to remember one of my favorite quotes "Where there is breath, there is hope" and guess what I am still breathing so I will never loose hope that is one thing no one can take away from me that and my faith in God and the belief that he knows what is best for me.
So now that some things are off my chest I think it is time for sleep, sweet dreams and goodnight!
Sunday, April 8, 2007
First Time!
Well here it is the first time posting, not a big deal since hardly anyone will read this.
It is Easter today a day of resurrection, of worship, of family and friends. Today on the other hand feels odd, instead of the happiness that I had when I was a child, I am instead feeling the sadness of the ones we have lost. This was the day that my family gathered at grandma's house and had dinner and hid eggs and had a good time. Today we will be going to grandma's house but she won't be there neither will grandpa. Instead of seeing them there drinking their coffee, puffing on a Winston, I will instead visit them at the cemetery. It has been over 10 years but it is always hard during the holidays.
This year though it is even more difficult. A week ago my boyfriends sis passed, and he is having a hard time trying to sort through things, it has been only a little over a week. I just wish there was something I could do, but having been there in a way I understand that it will take time, the pain and the memories never go away, you just learn to cope with it in your day to day life. As my mom described it "It is all in a cabinet, there are times when the door opens and you have to look at it but you find the strength to close the door, you don't forget it's there, you just function around it."
So today on this bitter sweet day I will go to my Grandma's house(now my Uncle Robert), gather with cousins, uncles and aunts, my parents, and my kids and try one more year to get through it without them. The holiday is not for me anymore I am an adult it is for my kids. So for them and and anyone that read this "Happy Easter". I love you Sab.
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